| realizations really suck |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|11:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
so yeah, realziations really suck. i thought i was like best friends with two people, and since i left for college, i'm doubting it more and more that we are acctually friends. niether of them have spoken to me at all...and they call eachother all the time. and my last day home, they weren't even there. and whenever i wanted to hang out or something, other things would come up. and now they are hanging out all the time and figureing out things to do...when we could never figure out anything to do when i was with them. so now not only do i not have any friends at school, but now it feels like i don't have any friends at home. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2006|02:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
so college is deffinatly nothing like i thought it was going to be. i feel possibly more alone than i ever have. Everyone else like goes out to parties and to hang out, and i know people, but i son't know when things are going on and everyone says that they are going to call to hang out but never do. and then the one person that i thought was like my acctual friend hasn't talked to me or tried to talk to me since the first weekend. all i want to do is go back to where i feel comfortable and a place that i love....Israel, but thats not going to happen. so, so far college kinda sucks, and i'm all optimistic that it'll get better, but sometimes its not so easy to think that way. |
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| its official....i give up! |
[Jul. 16th, 2006|06:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | voice of a wheel-shoti hanvoah | ] |
i think i should just give up, on everything. i try to do things and it just never works ever. i just want to stop having such strong emotions about certain things, like trying to keep in contact with people and have it be only one sided. i'm tired of feeling powerless about things, i just give up on everything. there honestly is no reason to care or try anymore.
...sorry if this is vauge... |
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| its still so hard |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|05:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grumpy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | so sick-ne-yo | ] |
so i kinda just found this song, and its pretty much describes how i'm feeling right now. (btw the song is so sick by Ne-Yo)
Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah
Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be
That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio
Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(oh and i finally sent an email that i've been subconsesly putting off for over a month by now) |
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| still strange |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|10:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
so i've been home for a couple days over a month, and its been wierd. i've almost completey adjusted but sometimes i'll go to sleep and right before i'm about to fall asleep i think i'm in room 427 and that rachel is sleeping right across from me. and when i wake up and realize its not true it makes me really sad. i miss everyone so much, and i haven't kept in touch with some people that i thought i would and that makes it a little harder when it comes to missing people. some of it is a hesitation to write them, others its that you talk to them but they don't talk back, and i'm not quite sure which is worse. i've also been thinking about people more and wondering if they are thinking anything about me or wanted to write to me too. anyway that turned into kind of a ramble.
so i started work on monday (one week done!) and its a lot of fun, i work at a day camp, and there are a bunch of little 5 year olds that really like me and its so cute when they pass by and say hi to me. but every day i'm in a different group, which isn't so fun, but theres nothing ican do about it. the only bad thing about the job is that when it comes to the end of the day i'm exauhsted and sore. but thats always better than sitting around all day being bored and not being able to sleep.
sorry for the ramble. |
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| why does it have to be so hard? |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|12:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | three little birds-bob marley | ] |
why is letting go so hard? especially when its something that let go of you first. and even though you wish for something to happen and you know deep down and on the surface that there is no way anything can ever happen again, you still wish and wait to hope, but i think in the end it just makes everything hurt so much more. why can't i just let go and leave it where it was, why is this so hard? |
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| "the traffic in my brain is driving me insane" |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|09:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | pit of dispair | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mosh ben ari | ] |
um ok so this is basically just going to be me rambling about my feelings, so you don't have to read it, its just a way for me to vent.
ok so i really don't know what to do. i hate it here, like i'm acctually dreading the usual day to day existance of life. i am so bored here, i'm not used to being bored. and i'm just so frustrated here, i can't leave because i have no way to get anywhere. i just feel so trapped and that i'm going to go crazy if i stay here any longer. i think the hardest thing about it all is that everyone just kind of brushes off the way i feel, i'm upset and frustrated, and just angry and no one here understands that. i miss people more than i can even express in words, and i don't even know when or if i'm going to see them again, and i'm just so afraid that i'm going to lose touch with certain people and i don't know what to do about it. i just wish there were people that i could talk to about it. and sometimes i feel so stupid when i want to say something cause people that i'm saying it too will i don't know, i guess not understand what i'm trying to say or think i'm stupid or something. there's just a lot going on in my head and not really a place to express it.
btw there was more that i wanted to say but my mom came into my room and i lost my train of thought. |
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| hello..welcome to limbo |
[May. 31st, 2006|11:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
so yearcourse ended and i'm now home. i got back this morning, and i am not sure about anything. what i' supposed to do, how i'm supopsed to feel. i didn't cry much yesturday as i was leaving or other people where leaving. i cried when i said goodbye to rachel and ben and canada. but i didn't cry today on the plane, or when i got off the plane, or said goodbye and cmae home. i still haven't cried, and i feel horrible, because i don't feel like my emotions match the kind of year i had. i also like feel angry and frustrated at being home nad not in israel, i would give anything to be able to go back there. being here back in america makes me see how strong my connection with israel is and how much i want to live there as soon as possible, and in the meantime go back as often as possible. i'm stuck in my house cause my moms at work and i live to far away from anything to walk and its gross weather that i haven't had to deal with for 9 months, like sticky humidity. and buses suck here and taxis are stupidly expensive, so i'm stuck and i want to get out of my house. i just don't know what to do, i feel so lost and like i'm floating around in limbo. |
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| what if? |
[May. 26th, 2006|07:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | yay to shitty things :-/ | ] |
| [ | music |
| | wake me up when september ends | ] |
playing the what if game really sucks, theres no way you can ever win. when something bad and/or upsetting happens to you you always think well what if i did this instead, or what if i said this, or put in one word so it didn't sound so mean. like what if i said i would go to one party instead of the a different one. would things have turned out differently, or would it not have mattered? and then the what if game takes a turn for the worse and your like what if this happens then you think about it and acctually think its going to happen. its all just a sick twisted disillusional mind game people play when thier depressedish. and lets just say i'm the mvp of the whatf if game right now. |
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| "another turning point, a fork stuck in the road" |
[May. 19th, 2006|03:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | jeruaslem | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  about so many things | ] |
so year course is about 11 days from being over, and in twelve i'll be back in the US. this may seem very happy for everyone who wants to see me, but i'm really really sad to have to return back to somewhere that i don't necessarily view as my home anymore. levaing israel cuts away so many ties, and leaves so many things undone, and unknown. who will i see again? who will i talk to again? will everything that i loved so much just be pulled away from me, and i won't know what to do. living in another country is so different than just going to an out of state school, you have to learn how to navigate around a new country and language. having to go back home and live back in my house under restrictions and not having as much freedom, is going to be so hard. i'm so used to being able to just walk out and walk around a city, theres nothing like that in princeton, i can't just leave whenever i want and come back whenever i want. i'm going to be coming home to so many different things, and so many things have changed. i'm going to be stuck at a standstill when i get back, i'm not going to know what to do. (just as a side note to anyone who is going to want to see me right away, i'm not going to be ready, and even when i do hang out with you guys, i'm still going to be sad, and quite possibly just randomly break out into tears, just to let you know) i don't acctually know how many of you are going to read this, but its nice to get it out anyway. |
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